Changes to the 2012 Olympics

Saw this on fmttm, thought I would share…

OPENING CEREMONY
The Olympic flame will be ignited by a petrol bomb thrown by a native of the city, wearing the traditional hoody as well as a scarf over their face. The flame will be contained in a kebab van situated on the roof of the Stadium.

EVENTS
Some of the events have been altered slightly to the advantage of local athletes.

100 METRES SPRINT
Competitors will have to hold a DVD player and Flat Screen TV (one in each arm) and on the sound of the starting pistol, a police dog will be released from a cage 10 yards behind the athletes.

110 METRES HURDLES
As above but with added obstacles (i.e. yard gates, hedges, garden fences, walls etc.)

HAMMER THROWING
Competitors in this event may choose the type of hammer they wish to use claw, sledge etc.) the winner will be the one who can cause the most grievous bodily harm to members of the public within the time allowed.

FENCING
Entrants will be asked to dispose of as much stolen electrical goods as possible in 5 minutes.

SHOOTING
A strong challenge is expected from local men in this event. The first target will be a moving police van.
In the second round, competitors will aim at a post office clerk, bank teller or securicor
style wages deliveryman.

MODERN PENTATHLON
Amended to include mugging, vandalism, looting, rioting and arson.

THE MARATHON
A safe route has yet to be decided, but the competitors will be issued with sharp sticks and bags with which to pick up litter on their way round the course.

MEN’S 50KM WALK
Unfortunately this will have to be cancelled, as the police cannot guarantee the safety of anyone walking the streets of London, even during daylight.

THE CLOSING CEREMONY
Entertainment will include synchronized rock throwing. The Olympic flame will be extinguished by someone dropping an old washing machine onto it from the top floor of the block of flats next to the stadium. The stadium itself will then be boarded up before the locals can loot it.

Advertisements

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s